Why Do Rape Survivors Want Raped Again

If you're supporting a victim or survivor of sexual violence or corruption then you might be worried about saying or doing 'the incorrect thing'. Or you might be worried that accepting what's happened to them could lead to 'more than problems'.

Because of this, it might be tempting to say or practise nothing – or pretend it hasn't happened. Merely, for lots of victims and survivors, that'due south the worst matter y'all can practice.

Of course, every victim and survivor is dissimilar, and not everyone will want or need the same things. Merely, in our feel, the post-obit dos and don'ts are a skilful identify to start.

Are you supporting a victim or survivor who self-harms? Detect data here .

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The most important matter yous can do for a victim or survivor is to listen to them and believe what they are maxim. Then let them tell yous what they demand.

Do:

Do listen

What they are proverb might be very difficult or upsetting for you to hear. But it's important to show them that you're really listening.

You should also try not to interrupt – even though yous might accept a lot of questions.

Do believe them

People rarely lie about child sexual abuse, rape and other forms of sexual violence. There's lilliputian to gain from lying nearly it and being a victim or survivor in our gild tin can be really hard.

You lot might wish that what they were telling you wasn't truthful, but it's actually important to make it clear that you believe them. For many people, not being believed can feel like a huge betrayal and might cease them from telling anyone else or trying to go help.

Learn about some of the mutual myths surrounding sexual violence and abuse .

Do remember that it'due south not their error

100% of the blame, shame and responsibility for sexual violence and abuse lies with the perpetrator or perpetrators. And victims and survivors should never be blamed or made to experience guilty for what happened to them.

Many people volition already exist struggling with feelings of shame, guilt and self-blame – then it's important to let them know that they don't need to experience this way.

Practise recognise how tough information technology might accept been for them to tell y'all

Information technology can be very hard for victims and survivors to talk about what happened to them. For lots of people, having to go back over an experience of sexual violence or abuse is upsetting and painful – which is ane of the reasons why information technology takes some people a long time to tell anyone. Some victims and survivors also experience aback or guilty. Or worry that they'll exist judged, blamed or not believed.

If someone has managed to talk about their experience, allow them know you empathize how difficult it might have been for them.

Do let them stay in control

Sexual violence or abuse of any kind can make a person feel powerless or like they've lost control. So, for many victims and survivors, it's important to experience in charge of their own lives over again.

If you hear that someone you intendance near has been injure, it tin be tempting to endeavor to have accuse and 'fix' it. But, it's of import to not 'accept over' or make decisions for the other person unless they ask you too. Instead, back up them to:

Work through their feelings.
Explore their options.
Brand their own decisions.

Do respect their decisions

There's no right or wrong style to be or to experience after sexual violence or corruption – and only a victim or survivor can actually know what's best for them. So, effort not to ignore or guess their decisions, fifty-fifty if they're non the ones yous call back you'd make. Otherwise, you could finish up losing their trust or upsetting them fifty-fifty more.

Do be patient – and respect their boundaries

Many victims and survivors find it difficult to trust people because of their experiences – particularly if they've been permit downward or not believed by others they've told in the past. So, if someone'due south put their trust in yous by telling you what happened to them, it'southward important not to beguile that trust. Be patient and try not to button them to tell you more – or to do anything else – before they're gear up.

Remember: there's no timeline for 'getting over' sexual violence or corruption. And there's no 'to-do' list that needs to be checked off. No one should be pressured into doing something before they are gear up.

If it's your partner who's experienced sexual violence or abuse – either recently or in the by – they might find intimacy and sexual contact difficult. Sometimes, they might not want you to impact them or be shut to them. Other times, they might want extra concrete comfort from yous. Effort to not take this personally or get upset – it's not well-nigh you just about what happened to them.

Don't:

Don't enquire them why they didn't say anything sooner

There are lots of reasons why victims and survivors might not tell anyone what happened to them straight abroad – or even soon later. For case, they might...

Have tried to tell someone about information technology before and been ignored or non believed.
Accept been threatened by the perpetrator – or exist scared of them finding out.
Be scared or worried about other people finding out.
Feel ashamed or guilty.
Exist worried that they'll be judged, blamed or not believed.
Exist worried well-nigh the bear upon it could accept on their relationships with family, friends or colleagues.
Want to pretend it didn't happen or have 'blocked' information technology out.

Don't judge them for anything they did before the sexual violence or abuse

There is never any excuse for rape or whatever other form of sexual violence or abuse. 100% of the arraign, shame and responsibility always lies with the perpetrator or perpetrators. And all victims and survivors deserve support.

So, it doesn't matter what someone was doing earlier it happened or during – whether they were drinking, had taken drugs, were wearing certain clothes, were out late at night, were flirting with the perpetrator or anything else. It has nothing to do with what happened to them.

Don't ask them why they didn't try to run away or fight back

It'due south very common for people who experience rape or another form of sexual violence or corruption to find that that they cannot movement or speak. This is one of the bodies' automatic responses to fearfulness and does in no style mean that they consented to what was happening – or are in whatever way to arraign.

Some perpetrators likewise use manipulation, threats or other tactics to control their victims. Or to scare them into being quiet and doing what they tell them to practise. Always remember: if the victim or survivor didn't consent and so it was sexual violence or abuse.

Don't approximate them for how they've responded to the sexual violence or abuse

At that place's no 'right' way to react to existence raped or experiencing another course of sexual violence or abuse. Everyone responds differently and all responses are completely valid.

So, it's important to be accepting of the style they are reacting, even if it's non how y'all recollect you would respond if you were in their shoes. Or how you might have seen in films or on Idiot box.

Learn about some of the impacts of sexual violence and abuse here.

Don't tell anyone else without their permission

As we've already mentioned, victims and survivors can discover it difficult to trust people because of their experiences. So, information technology's important that you don't betray their trust by telling someone else what happened to them without their okay.

Caring for yourself: supporting a victim or survivor can be actually hard and you might notice it impacts your life and wellbeing too. Recollect that it'south okay to accept time and infinite for yourself sometimes. Why not endeavour out some of these self-intendance activities?

Supporting a victim or survivor who self-harms

If a victim or survivor has told you they're self-harming, it's important to try to do the following:

Stay calm – but accept them seriously. It'due south a myth that people self-harm for 'attention'. In reality, many people who self-harm try to hibernate it.
Understand that it'southward a coping method – and doesn't automatically mean that they are suicidal. In fact, for many people, it's the reverse. They want to alive and this is their way of trying to manage very difficult emotions.
Don't strength them to stop straight away, without helping them to find another fashion of dealing with the hard emotions they are experiencing. These emotions will not just magically disappear because they end self-harming. And then, forcing them to terminate before they're prepare can be unsafe.
Depending on your relationship, tell them that y'all love them or care about them, and are at that place to support them.
Help them to explore why they cocky-harm and notice some safer options for managing their emotions.

Detect more support for victims and survivors here.

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Source: https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/supporting-a-survivor/